My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
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I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions