My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
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Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
That was easy.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.