My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
You Might Also Like
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.