My wedding will be open casket.
You Might Also Like
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.