When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
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Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
There’s only one good girl here!
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Oh hi lol
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.