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@SharkJelly: [My Wedding]
Me: I do
Me: Or do I?
@ShaunRightNow: Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he's done.
@sadmonsters: Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: I think my nephew finally figured out that there's no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
@LizHackett: Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
@Vodkantots: "How much for the supermodel?" *winks seductively
"Ma'am, that's a mirror and you appear to be having a stroke."