[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
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merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
an airline just for babies.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
December birthdays be like…
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!