My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
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me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.