My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
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Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
she has a point
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*