My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
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I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
this has done me in for some reason
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.