My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
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Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
this is what they would have looked like, though
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.