My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Two types of dogs.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses