@OhNoSheTwitnt: My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he's been reading the news and knows he won't get punished for it.
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@just1fool: I'd like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What's the first step of fire safety? 4-year-old: Stay away from dragons. Me: 4: Me: Well, obviously.
@tmoswole: To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.