My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
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Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.