My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
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I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
concern
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.