@Sassafrantz: My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.
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@esbeeback: Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I'm bored. Sounds like my sex life at the moment
@JimGaffigan: When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one should be that happy.
@Just_Lee_: When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
@theshamingofjay: [interview for doctor's office receptionist] "Can you schedule appointments and be friendly" Yes. "Sorry we're looking for the opposite"