@Tw1tter_K1tten: My whole life is like when you're talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
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@ItsAndyRyan: I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I'd told her I was going to a funeral.
@WilliamAder: If I'm ever captured as a spy, all they'd have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
@longwall26: "Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!" "LOL sir, that was a barber." "He was black." "We're sending a battleship."