My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
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Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]