My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
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I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
We decided to have money instead of children.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
no one ever comes back
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.