@TheCiscoKidder: My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don't. I googled it, it's called cuddling.
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@badbanana: Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
@DanMentos: *notices my tinder match has "catholic" in their bio* me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
@TheRolo: [Sees restaurant is packed] *Pays hostess $20 to read note* "Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street" *Hipsters clear*
@WittySassBasket: If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.