My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?