My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
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I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse