My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
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Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
idk flipping houses looks really hard
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs