My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
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If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
My Guy
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”