My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
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turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off