my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
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*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Meow
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.