my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
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My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
This is no longer winter this is harassment
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?