“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
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me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Jurassic park gets weird
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.