@Brianhopecomedy: My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
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@arandomhim: I bet the guy who invented the percent symbol, %, got his inspiration from watching his wife put on a seatbelt
@samalmightysam: I don't like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
@Rick_IZ: People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer Just throw it out. I'll print it again.
@NurseSeymour: Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.