My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
You Might Also Like
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot