My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.