My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
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[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
We’ve come full circle
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.