“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
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“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
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the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
HERE’S MARKY
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again