“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
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Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.