my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
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How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Travel bloggers during quarantine
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep