@philefanaddict: The babysitter wanted $25.00 an hour this weekend, so I just bought my kid an iPad instead.

@starwarsshirt: "Getting fat" is absolutely a legitimate response to "what have you been up to?"

@MelKassel: GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha GENIE 2: i just...gave mine money GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

@PinkCamoTO: *planning family vacation* Me: So what about camping? Them: We love camping! Me: Great! I'll drop you off on my way to the spa.

@AmericanGent69: Me: I'm nervous for my date. Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her {during date} Her: What's something you're proud of? Me: I invented milk