my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
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[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
uncle dave has been through hell
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”