@DaHess1: My wife and I do this cute thing where she sends me pics of kitchen towels she can't decide on buying and I google my life expectancy.
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@realHamOnWry: [Deathbed Confession] I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.
@StellaRtwot: We wouldn't really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: GF told me she wanted to write her "biography" & I said "autobiography" & now there's a chapter where I sleep at my place.