@DaHess1: My wife and I do this cute thing where she sends me pics of kitchen towels she can't decide on buying and I google my life expectancy.
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@joeljeffrey: Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
@russbengtson: The fact that Gunplay pulled a gun on his accountant doesn't shock me nearly as much as the fact that Gunplay has an accountant.
@DurtMcHurtt: [dinner at brother's house] "So where are the kids?" Brother: I grounded them. *spits out meatloaf*