Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
You Might Also Like
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
This hospital has everything
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Every BBC series about the universe.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.