My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
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Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Expect the unexporcupine.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.