Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
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Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
What flavor cupcake are these
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage