I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
You Might Also Like
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi