My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
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[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Rather alarming headline…
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t