@SkinnerSteven: How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

@ericacanrant: If your partner makes you sleep closest to the door, you are either the protector or bait for the zombies.

@katbento: Why hasn't a phone that charges itself just by scrolling the screen ever been invented? What are our scientists doing?

@AmericanGent69: When a person says a book is so good they can't put it down, but yet, are not holding that book. This is why I have trust issues.

@david8hughes: [son hands me a picture he painted] Me: what's that Son: it's our house Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn't?