@Iwriteforcats: THE HORROR! *splat THE TRAGEDY! *splat IT'S AWFUL! *splat SO MUCH BLOOD! *splat WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! *splat -It's raining men.

@InternetHippo: [halloween at the retirement home where i work] Boss: You can’t wear that costume here Me (leaning on my scythe): Why not

@WilliamAder: I'll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that's me.

@lukekarmali: This is literally the best thing I've ever seen happen on Twitter

@The_Rain_Man_: I just saw an honest political leader, riding a unicorn.