I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
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*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
We’re all getting idioter.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.