The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
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4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
#NoRestForTheWicked
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to