@matt_simpson84: My wife and I have an ongoing game called "Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House" that she doesn't know we are playing
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@fro_vo: [Date] Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat Her: thanks! i'll have a mai tai Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
@MUMSIEesq: [Parent-Teacher Conference] Teacher: ..if another kid is mean to her, she calmly walks away Me: *flips table* WHICH KID IS MEAN TO HER?!?!
@GreenishDuck: You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells "IT'S JUST A POTATO!" #ambien