[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.