The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
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I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?