Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
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Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
#JohnTravolta
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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