@samfromks: My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it'd probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.
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@rickkondell: Saw a homeless guy at McDonald's begging for money, told him I'd buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
@pleatedjeans: Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it'd be less violent & the shirt could say "you suck" so the target still gets the message
@KalvinMacleod: [ice cream parlor] WIFE: I'll have two scoops of vanilla ME: me too, u could say I want an WIFE AND CLERK: please don't ME: ice cream clone
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Please take the trash out ME: Ok *later that night* ME: I'm having a nice time TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF