When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I鈥檇 go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
DOMINO鈥橲 PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I鈥檓 really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I鈥檝e never interacted with or thought about before.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn鈥檛 good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I鈥檒l do anything, what鈥檚 the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I鈥檒l see you in hell
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 馃憤
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He鈥檚 going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*