My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
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[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.