My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
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*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I think I’m having a stroke
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.