My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?