My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
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My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.