1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
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Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Mountain Goat : )
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.